It really can't be called, "working". Having actually put in my time working (let’s just start with the mere mention of UPS), it just feels more accurate to classify my current assignment as "time biding". "Seat warming". "Space wasting"? I am permitted to say I am an active member of the working world, as I too get paid to be somewhere 8-5. Sitting in the parade of aimless traffic with angry Tulsans who really have no where to be, but who are just cranky because they too got up far earlier than any human really should have to. I, for one, am able to keep my cool. Perhaps it’s because I know on some level how fortunate I am to be getting paid to bide my time, keep my seat warm and waste as much space as possible. (NOTE: Amount of space wasted grows in direct proportion with the amount of Hazelnut creamers haphazardly dumped in my coffee - heaven, really.)
The intention the night prior is always to look nice. But alas. On six hours of sleep, one begins to care less and less. I’m a regularly scheduled 5 minutes late, looking like I never quite blossomed out of my 7th grade awkward stage. Lucky for me, the lights are dead in the women’s bathroom, so I remain oblivious the bouffant of tousled hair and Ozzy Osbourne eye liner till I arrive home. Sadly, I fine cool reassurance when the FedEx guys and the 70 year old curriers try to hit on me. Surely the blue eyeshadow can’t be that bad...
To stare at the clock is a death sentence really. It is immobile. I prefer to measure and monitor my day in cups of institutionalized percolated coffee-
COFFEE #1 (Hazelnut Creamer, 6 Equal) - Today’s goals:
1.) Cut back on caffeine intake
2.) Come up with as many different seductive ways I can think of to answer the phone. After all, I am a SEXcretary, and it will keep my poor atrophying mind stimulated. Silly feminists.
3.) Read from the Buddhist literature I have brought with me.
COFFEE #2 (Fat Free French Vanilla Creamer, 4 Equal) - Note to self; fat free tastes like watered down crap juice. I’ll just get fat, thanks. That aside, who needs enlightenment when there’s US weekly and Su Doku. The Buddhists can wait. Radical Acceptance. This is what they pay me for. Better still, this is what they pay some other college educated woman to do full time - plus benefits! You’d be hard pressed to find two people better educated on the recent Lindsay Lohan debacle (pick one). I never cared about such serious matters till I got a job. Or began temp...excuse me...Good MORNing, First American, this is Christie, how MAY I help you...ha ha ha, why yes, Brad of course I remember your call yester...ha ha....please hold...
COFFEE #3 (Irish Cream, 2 Equal, 2 Sweet & Low) - One whole pot, devoured by yours truly. I alway knew I was gifted. I'll start to taper off now. Besides, there is a freaking radar attached to my bladder. Coffee is a well known diuretic beverage. Even with my moderate consumption, I feel my insides percolating more often than our depressing coffee machine. The phone can be bloody silent for an hour, but the very second I pop a squat, my engaged bladder transmits a signal to realtors everywhere to call. My sole responsibility the whole day is to answer the phone (bicep workout second to none). 75% of the time it seems I am unable to complete this task, as I am otherwise detained. I’d love to read that letter to my employment agency. "Perhaps Ms. C has a urinary tract infection"? When the hell is lunch?
COFFEE #4 (1/2 Caff, Hazelnut my lover, 4 Equal) - I must confess at this juncture there have been a Diet Coke or two since my last diuretic dream date. How’s a girl supposed to stay on her toes? Or, well, her ass? Now, I may be responsible for answering the phones, but I don’t like to make (many) personal calls on the company line. It’s just so unprofessional, and I am a business women of the highest caliber (well, I own a Nanette Lepore blazer). So this is where the handy dandy cell phone comes in. Ah, the digital age. I can utilize that puppy to my languid heart’s content - but not without guilt. While on the phone, I speak in a brisk, hushed whisper I must frequently interrupt to answer the business line (again, radar?). Then, of course, there have been the moments of getting caught red handed by my superiors and their clients. Perhaps the caffeine makes me more and more reckless as the day advances. The relentless cheesy 80’s easy listening radio station folded in with my out of whack female hormones create a scenario rife with bored psychosis. I find myself on the phone with my older brother pouring my heart out when a bunch of suits gather in the lobby for a major closing. Swiftly greeting them, I feign a lost contact and duck beneath my desk to bid the older bro adieu. My supervisor stalks out to the lobby to find me crawling back out, dust bunnies sticking to my butt. I quickly glance at my desktop and with horror, see it through her eyes; pages of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt littered around, Harry Potter strewn to the side, an open container of beads with one completed earring, 3 empty cups of coffee and a swedish fish explosion on top of it all. Just as the group of them is about to head for the back, my cell phone rings. I should elaborate in saying I have no ordinary ring tone. I’m the person behind you in line with the obnoxious ring you want to drop kick. It’s a cat loudly meowing the jingle to Meow Mix cat food. I debate scurrying to turn it off, even apologizing or looking confused. I opt to act as though I hear nothing at all, and they are the one’s going stark raving mad. When in doubt, no? I know I’m not cut out for corporate America, but maybe they’re also just not ready for the likes of me.
COFFEE #5 (Hazelnut, 4 equal) Caffeinated from the decaf pot. That’s what they get for putting me in charge of coffee. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Besides, who really drinks decaf anyway? It’s like that alcohol free beer...So, after lunch is when I finally let myself peruse the web a little. I have to break it up, spread out the little joys. Too bad the internet here is cruel joke. Everything is blocked.The office belief is that there will be NO fun, NO joy, NO entertainment - so all sites of even remote interest are filtered and banned like smoking in bars. I can’t even check my freaking e-mail. Web Su Doku? Not so much! It’s not like I can’t just bring a whole novel sized book of them with me. Good grief. Everyday, I make it a mission to find the unbanned sites that go against the filter. I know, I know - REBEL! It sure beats hours on CNN or E-Bay. I even weaseled my way onto an online Su Doku page, but with minutes had a suit over my shoulder in mock curiosity. Bloody hell!
COFFEE #6 (1/2 Cup, ½ Hazelnut, 2 Equal) Like a nightcap really. Pre cocktail cocktail. Hallelujah, it’s Friday. I thought it was my last day being a professional goon here, but they asked for me to come back for another week. They liked me. I can only imagine what the previous temps have been like if I’m a keeper. I get a burning ache in my gut when I think of doing it all over again come Monday. Maybe that’s what makes temping so great though. I am constantly reminded that this moment is only temporary; it is a means toward another end. There are still some choices and options. I don’t have to impress anybody, and it’s even okay to mess up a little. Thoughts of going out tonight begin to infiltrate my mind. Of how it will hopefully distract me from where I’d rather be. Dumping the trash and cleaning the coffee pots, trying to do a little extra for the sake of helping out, I realize that’s where it’s all at. 9-5, whatever, wherever. I don’t want a fat free, half-caff kind of life, even if it is just temporary.
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