Top 5 Things New Yorkers Know....

The Top 5 Things New Yorkers Know

(that you have to figure out for your damn self)

Planning a move to the big city? That's lovely! Look forward to having you among the masses! I just wanted to take a moment to offer a public service. See, there appears to be a code that resident New Yorkers are born knowing - the rest of us are left to fend for ourselves. So in lieu of any new citizens having to decipher the code on their lonesome, here are the top five important secrets I've unveiled in my short time here:

5.) Welcome to the land of invisability. Sing, dance, fall, fly, fart, spit, puke, kick, bite or flip - it does not matter one little bit. No one sees you anyway. Upon entering Manhattan, you become invisable to the world (until the next time your get yourself in someone's way)!

4.) Tiny butts = no butts on the subway. Should your BMI fall below, say, 25, you are only granted 1/3 of the allotted subway seat space. Expect to be sat on, smushed, pushed off, glared at, hoisted, grabbed and or groped. This is all because, as we've discussed, in subway/Manhattan terms, you simply do not exist.

3.) Everyone is better than you. Many years ago, I think a space ship landed and 90% of the city got off. How else would everyone seem to pretty much be carbon copies of eachother. What's more? They know more, make more, smell better, look better, and are not afraid to let you know. I let them know I pack a better punch.

2.) Gangstas have the right of way. If you come across someone, of any sex or ethnicity mind you, wearing jeans from the Big & Tall and what resembles an overstuffed down comforter with Times Square and Scar Face emblazened on the back - watch yo back. I'm telling you. These peeps are the hardest of the hardcore. Never need they move or aid you in anyway. No, not even if your ass was in flames would they move the thug steel of their legs to let you by. Peace.

1.) The world is your toilet. Why haven't we all been dropping trow and relieving ourselves on a whim? It's not rare to see someone curbing themselves with the dogs, whipping it out to let it out, taking a pitstop on a station bench or, hell! Just taking a dump in their drawers wherever nature calls. Ah what a relief it is....